Look, friends. Sometimes, there’s just stuff out there you shouldn’t be sticking inside your body. Or rubbing on your junk. Masturbation is great, and you certainly don’t always need specially bought things to help you out. But sometimes? Sometimes, you should splurge. Because sometimes using whatever you find lying around the house is dangerous.
Here is a list of things we commonly hear about people masturbating with that they really shouldn’t. Following each listed item is something you can pick up at SpicyGear.com for a low, low price– much lower than going to the hospital, at least.
Don’t Use: Food
Everyone’s heard the story about the dude who used mayo as lube, right? About his girlfriend started to feel a certain wriggling after not washing up? Let’s skip over most of it with just one word: maggots. She had maggots in her cooch, or so goes the supposedly urban legend. I don’t have the stomach to look up whether it’s true or not.
It may be an urban legend. But most food does not belong in a vagina. The first problem is oil. Many foods have oil in them, many that you might not even realize, like whipped cream. These oils can not only ruin latex and polyisoprene condoms (like Lifestyles SKYN), but they can cause blocked pores and infections in unfortunate parts.
Also, these foods may have sugars in them, which can encourage the growth of yeast in even the healthiest of vaginas.
Instead, use: WET Naturals lubricants
If you want a tasty, safe lube and scent, instead look at WET’s Natural brand lubricants. You won’t have any need for whipped cream when you’ve got strawberry– like their Sensual Strawberry. These lubes are vagina-friendly, all-natural, and they smell AND taste amazing.
Don’t use: a glass bottle
There’s a lot of urban legends about masturbating with a glass bottle. A famous one says that the suction will pull all your guts out– there’s never been a reported case of this happening, although vaginal prolapses are a thing. However, it could potentially be dangerous due to the air inside of the bottle. You should never blow air of any kind into a vagina– it could cause an embolism.
Also, glass bottles are notoriously thin and can break easily. I’m sure that’s the last image that you want in your head for today, so enjoy it when it sneaks back in there once you’re trying to sleep tonight.
Instead, use: a glass dildo
Glass toys like those in our Spicy Gem collection are specially treated to be vagina friendly. They’re made of medical-grade pyrex which makes them very difficult to break, plus they’re thicker and sturdier than the glass in bottles made for transporting liquids. Not to mention, they come in all kinds of non-prolapse or embolism-causing shapes.
Don’t use: Icy Hot or Vick’s VaporRub
No matter how much you love Trojan’s Fire and Ice condoms, masturbating with Icy Hot, Bengay, or any other heating and tingling gels or lotions is not a great idea. It is not meant to go on your most sensitive parts, especially if there are mucous membranes down there. Both use capsaicin to get that warm feeling, but muscles rubs use enough to warm your muscles. The capsaicin in warming lubes is measured to be just the right amount.
The same goes for menthol rubs, like Vick’s VaporRubs. A little vapor goes a long way when it’s being exposed to your sensitive mucous membranes. Don’t believe me? Next time a friend is smoking menthol cigarettes, ask them to blow it directly into your nose. Now imagine heaping a spoonful of that on to your junk. Too much tingly!
Instead, use: warming and tingling lubes
WET Synergy and Warming Lubricant is sure to give you the warming kick you want, without all the horrible burning pain those drug store alternatives will give you.
For a wonderful cooling sensation without horrific amounts of pain, consider WET’s alternative to Vick’s VaporRub: WET Synergy and Cool Tingle. These alternatives were made for your most sensitive areas, so they’re sure to delight and not overwhelm.
Don’t Use: Shampoo
People. Let’s stop using crap we find around the house as lube, alright? I didn’t know about this one until a quick consultation with my boyfriend about things he wouldn’t put on his dick, and apparently this is the big one for dudes. While shampoo may make your scalp feel luscious and tingly, it will make your penis peel and shrivel. One unfortunate experimenter compared it to a raisin getting a sunburn. Gross.
Instead, Use: Liquid Silk
Silicone lubes, like Liquid Silk, are great to masturbate with because they don’t dry out quickly. And unlike shampoo, they won’t leave you feeling wrinkly and peeling– they’ll leave even the most sensitive parts of your skin feeling soft and silky.