I remember looking online for tips on female masturbation back when I was younger. I didn’t feel that it was something I could talk to my parents about, and I don’t even remember how I’d come to learn that it was a thing. But I wanted to know more about it.
This was back in the early days of the internet. And while there were a billion porn pages offering prime viewing of ladies getting off, none of them wanted to show me or tell me how to do it. I wanted something that was female-friendly, not something that even I at a young age could tell was meant for men to enjoy, not women to learn.
The only place I found any information about it was in my mother’s Cosmo magazines, which seems hilarious in retrospect. But I wonder if those writers knew what they were doing at the time, helping little girls like myself all over the country learn about their bodies. And it wasn’t much. Most of what I learned came from just poking around down there.
So when someone wrote into our brother site, Condom Depot, last week, asking for a guide on female masturbation without toys, I decided I’d like to share my, well, plethora of experience with the world. We’ve already talked about getting to know the topography of female genitals (we’re talking about biological sex here, not gender). Now, let’s put those spicy bits to good use and learn the ins and outs of achieving a female orgasm– au natural.
This guide is for all female-bodied folks who have trouble masturbating– whether it’s your first time or you’ve been poking around there for years and just haven’t seemed to be able to get it to work. This is also a toyless guide because we talk about toys a lot here. Sometimes, there’s nothing better that a good old-fashioned self-fingering.
Find A Safe Place
This place can be anywhere that you feel safe getting naked and getting handsy. If you’re worried about making a mess, or you’re uncomfortable touching your body, a bath is a great place. Equating touching yourself with something as simple and easy as washing yourself may be just what you need to chase the thought that this is naughty from your head.
Generally, when you’re first exploring, you may want to be laying down. This way, your weight is distributed comfortably and you don’t have to worry about falling down or your positioning or anything complicated. This is why a bath is favorable over a shower, but a bed may work just as well too. Just make sure, if you are in bed, that it’s not somewhere where someone can barge in– the stress of potentially dealing with an errant roommate or sibling may make it impossible for you to relax. Although many women find the threat of being caught an aphrodisiac.
Think of Something Sexy
The sexiest thing you know of. It could be a hot make-out session with your favorite celebrity. It could be asking an attractive co worker back to your place for coffee. It could be from from your favorite section in 50 Shades of Grey, or a particularly hot part during your favorite Marvel movie. Anything.
It doesn’t have to be porn. But it could be. It could be anything. If you ever wondered why your mom’s really into those supermarket trashy novels… well. Many women find that their sexuality is tied into the cerebral. The book First Sex by Helen Fisher sums it up as,
“Female sexuality is nested in a broader lattice of emotions, a wider range of physical sensations, and a more extensive social and environmental context-all reflections of feminine web thinking. Men’s sex drive is far more focused on the act of copulation itself-yet another example of men’s propensity to compartmentalize the world around them and focus their attention on specific elements.”
This is why there’s a difference between porn that is marketed for women versus porn marketed for men. Wind yourself up in some fantasy, or watch a romantic film, one that makes you feel all the best kinds of squirmy. Really. It can be anything. Don’t feel ashamed.
Ready… Steady… Awwww Yeaaaaaaahhhh…
Once your mind is ready and roaring to go, put a hand down there. I know it’s scary if this is your first time, but stick with me. If you’ll refer back to your notes on Vaginal Topography, the first thing you’re going to feel is your vulva and labia majora. Are we cool? Of course we’re cool.
You can get yourself warmed up by cupping your hand and slowly rubbing your vulva/labia majora. This will not only feel good and get your engine revved, it can also help you get comfortable– and not just with your positioning. Take time to check in on yourself mentally. Is this uncomfortable for me? Does this feel silly (it’s alright if it does)? How are my emotions doing at this point? Check in with your fantasy, too. How can you up the ante and increase the excitement?
Once you feel like you’ve explored the option of petting far enough, start by sticking a single finger between your labia majora. At this point, just explore. Everyone’s bodies are different, and things aren’t always in the same place as they are for porn stars. You can find your vaginal canal (that’s the big hole), even your cervix, if you want to delve deep enough (that’s the sensitive hole deep down in the vaginal canal).
What you’re looking for for now, however, is the clitoris. It’s this lovely little nub, should be somewhere in the center of your lips, past the labia minora. If this is your first time discovering your clit, you may want to be careful. This sucker’s only job is to feel pleasure– it has something like 8,000 nerve endings, and it may be very sensitive– so sensitive that it might be uncomfortable at first.
Rub The Nub
Once you find it and find that you’re comfortable enough to start touching it, you’re going to start experimenting, for lack of a better word. Maybe women find that they need different amounts of force, different kinds of strokes, and different techniques to get off from a clitoral orgasm. So there’s no one way to go about doing it. A lot of times, it’s easiest to start off slow, pushing it back and forth, and see where that takes you. You may want to speed things up and slow them back down as you continue. That will be entirely up to you, so have fun exploring!
Orgasms can feel different for different women, but many feel an over-whelming pressure building in their lower abdomen, that may feel like they have to urinate. If you’re comfortable, push yourself to finish, or take a break and start over again.
If you are enjoying your clitoris and want to try something more, or if you feel like DJing your greatest clits isn’t working out, you can try putting a finger inside of your vaginal canal for some penetration action. Just first make sure that you’ve cut your fingernails. You may also require a little extra lube for this, if you’re having trouble getting aroused. We recommend WET Naturals Silky Supreme. It’s vagina-friendly, and it’ll make your hands feel great. Just apply a little to your fingers before sliding them in.
The G-Spot is located on the anterior wall of the vaginal canal– that means, if you stick your index finger in, palm up, and make a come-hither motion with your finger, you should be hitting it. It may take a while to get it positioned exactly right though, or to get yourself aroused enough to feel it, and some don’t feel as much pleasure from the G-Spot as others. So don’t freak out if it doesn’t feel like it’s working. All it takes is a little bit of practice.
There are a billion other things you can do to get off without toys— all it takes is a good, working knowledge of how your body works combined with a healthy interest in what turns you on. This is just a brief guide covering the basics of female masturbation. If you’re looking for permission to indulge in something that makes you feel weird, here it is: as long as you aren’t hurting anyone (without their consent) and you aren’t putting your life in danger, it’s alright to experience pleasure the way you want.
You may not have an orgasm the first time you attempt to jill off. In fact, it may take you a very long time to perfect your hand action, and you may even need to try different types of toys to get you there. But the important thing is that you’re trying– and as you’re trying, not only are you discovering a healthy way to relieve stress, check yourself for potentially dangerous illnesses, and teach your partner how to pleasure you best, you’re having a fucking awesome time doing it. Good luck!